The tenth day before Christmas

Soap on a rope

 Today is my wedding anniversary, so in honor of the union of me and That Guy, I thought I would post something we both love.

Namely, Jungle Jam and Friends: The Radio Show's Christmas special "Three Wise Men and a Baby."

Now, if you grew up the way I did, you may have spent your Saturday mornings listening to Adventures in Odyssey.  Our radio station cycled through a bunch of other (mostly terrible) Christian radio productions to fill out the Saturday morning line-up, and the best of them—in fact, the only show that ever met or surpassed the quality, wit, and humor of Odyssey—was Jungle Jam.  It's still played on quite a few stations, but there have been no new episodes since 2006; it makes me a little sad. But the website, fancymonkey.com, sells many of the episodes, including "Golden Rocks and the Tree Pears," "It's a Wonderful--Knife?" and my favorite title ever "Eine Kleine Nacht Münkey." Jungle Jam is bested only by MathNet in the terrible allusive puns category.

"Three Wise Men and a Baby" was the best of the best.  My family acquired the cassette tape at some point, and we would listen to it over and over during the Christmas season.  In fact, in high school I used to pop it in whenever I was at home alone, regardless of the season.  It's a pretty standard children's Christmas pageant presentation of the story, but, oh boy, it's seriously hilarious, in the style of Shrek (only clean) or Veggie Tales.

For example:

Kid 1: What's taxes?
Kid 2: Yeah, what is that?
Narrator: Hm. Well, it's kinda like this.
Kid 3: I'm from the government.  How much money you got?
Kid 4: A dollar.
Kid 3: Give it to me.
Narrator: That's pretty much how it works.

As it happens, That Guy's family also knows the story well, and their church put it on as the Christmas pageant on one occasion.  Mum and Pops have a really terrible video cassette recording of the performance, with That Guy and His Brother as two of the three wise men.  Which is awesome, because the three wise men are the best.

Gaspar: All right, think, think. What should we bring the King for his birthday?
Melchior: I’ve got the perfect gift. I’m bringing gold.
G: Very good, very good. However, I, too, have the perfect gift. I’m bringing myrrh.
M: Oh, excellent, excellent. Such a wise choice.
G: Thank you. Now, Binky, what are you bringing?
Binky: Mmmm. I don’t know. I was thinking... a tie?
G&M: A tie?
B: A toaster?
G: How do we know you’re really a wise man?
B: Soap-on-a-rope?
M: Can you even spell wise man?
B: Oh, I know! I’ve got it! Frankincense!
G&M: Frankincense!
M: That’s more like it.
G: Now there’s a gift for a king.
M: Indeed, you are a wise man.
B: Although soap-on-a-rope isn’t bad.
G: You’re new at this, aren’t you?

I got a great laugh out of my sister last week when, in the middle of a discussion of Christmas gifts, I mentioned that "soap-on-a-rope isn't bad."  Frankly I could go on and on about this: the shepherds...

Angel: FEAR NOT!
Shepherds: AHHHHHHH!
Angel: I said, FEAR NOT.
Shepherds: AHHHHHHH!
Angel: What part of FEAR NOT are you not understanding?  Never mind, listen up.

Shep. 1: But how 'bout those angels?
All shepherds: AHHHHHHHHH!!

Shep. 1: Have you ever wondered how much time it would take to walk this whole herd of sheep around the world in a straight line, backwards?
Shep. 2: Not backwards, no.
Shep. 1: Ninety-seven years, six months, two weeks, two days, four hours, and 32 seconds.
Shep. 2: Is that good weather or bad?
Shep. 1: Good.
Shep. 2: Oh, good, well, of course.  That's the easy one.

...Herod,...

Herod: I notice you didn't bring me any gifts.
Gaspar: Sire?
H:  Gifts for the king.  Does the name "King Herod" mean anything to you?
G: King.
Melchior: Hmm.
G: King.
H: King Herod.
Binky: King Herod.
H: King?
G, M & B: Hmm.
G: I knew a Kevin Herod once.
M: I don't know.
G: Sorry.
H: I'll let it go this time.

...and Gruffy the Bear:

Gruffy: Of course, how could I forget.  It's that whole fat guy with the beard and the red-nosed moose thing. Yeah, sure, anybody know that.  'Tis the season!  Fa la la la la!
Narrator: Well—
Gr: What does he say again? "Hey, hey, hey!"
Narr.: Uh, I believe it's "ho, ho, ho."
Gr: Nah, I think it's "hey, hey, hey."

Seriously, on and on. If you're traveling anywhere in a car this season, you should probably download the mp3.  The script is funny, but the performance is hilarious, and "Three Wise Men" is one of the few things that has not yet found its way to YouTube.